Self construction never ends it only alters

Sometimes i wonder, what was wrong with me growing up ?

From making up really weird sandwiches with anything i seen just to have flavors blow up in my mouth, to walking down to the local port to relax my mind to the waters that swayed back and forth instead of consistently smoking cannabis every time I went.

I’m pretty sure I’m the weirdest individual I’ve ever met. The older i get, the more i realize that patience is my best friend, and greatest teacher.

I’m well aware of the flaws i have within me, and i work on them daily as a result and lesson to myself that I️, as well as others, are ever changing and it’s inevitable.

The only pro or con would be changing for the better or worst.

I see women loosening up their logic to make room for self pity, parties to fill in the voids, men that can potentially finish the night off right. Hatred towards self which is then transitioned into believing that it’s “tough love”.

What happened to our self respect and dignity?

I want children in the future. I want sons, but most importantly I want a daughter, that would be better than me, yet walking in similar steps as me. My daughter will be my refuge, knowing that she will walk this earth with her shoulders pulled back and knowing she’s worth everything that she deserves and wants. She will be happy in knowing that the respect she has for herself will be the only thing that could continuously build her up.

My daughter will be like me. In an exceptional way. In a level that i wasn’t able to reach, but she will.

She will make men quiver just by the sight of her walk and how confident she will be.

Men will throw themselves at her, and she will respectfully decline, because she’s cognizant of her worth, and her being. She will be full of nothing but depth, and she will execute every plan in her path peacefully and remain humbled.

I laugh while reading this because i know that I’m explaining myself, but it’s taken me so long to get to this small stepping stone, of patience and understanding, and I haven’t even reached the highest level of knowing what humbleness really is. I’m still pushing past barriers that I, myself am the only one to blame for placing them where they may be. So it is my job to knock those barriers down, excel to my better self and strive for better.

I’m

Not

Just

A

Number.

I’m

Not

Just

A

Body.

I

Am

Not

A

Robot.

And

I

Am

Most

Definitely

Stronger

Than

I

Was

Before.

My body is not a place to accept anyone who is willing to let off and go.

My body has endured so much at a young age, putting it through different auras will damage me. My respect will never be the same.

My hips sway left to right, right to left.

I am water within myself, i sway so effortlessly, and I’m proud of it.

Petite jeans with space too big for my small waist, yet they fit so snug.

Make up is a frenemy, and I’m glad to admit that.

It brings the inner me out, but not for long, you can notice when I’m done drinking from my cup, my lipstick is all gone, and i have not an inch of energy to draw it back on. My natural lines come in and they poke out, my catish eyes then loosen up in relief that the eyeliner won’t pull on my skin any longer.

It’s fun to play around with it, but it too leaves after so many hours, maybe even minutes.

My eyebrows are always breathing, they’re too dark to lay any liquid on them to shadow their natural beauty down.

I wear make up. Not for long.

I clip my nails, toes and feet, when I’m ready to make love to myself.

I wash my hair in strokes that feel so desirable i lose control and i condition it down with such softness, that my bosoms and derrière become jealous of its texture.

My arms they wrap myself everyday in a green towel that’s a little shy from being my exact height. However days like these ? My arms caress my waist and my hands run from my neck down to my belly button.

How beautiful could you be?

When days come around and I don’t feel like myself, those same gestures become my go to for a proper sanctuary.

The way you love yourself will reflect on how you walk this earth.

Peacefully or in chaos.

I wake with the sun, and i go down with it.

I speak unapologetically and I am proud of what i have to say.

If i am wrong, I will never be biased to accept your opinion, because it is only right to listen more than you speak.

I will hear everyone’s thoughts and voices, before i place mine in, because those who finish last always come out first.

Patience will be the most amazing experience and I’m ready to learn.

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The sound

Everyone or at least everyone knows their passions.

I however feel mine. It’s all too real.

All too scary and all too perfect.

It gives me a reason to believe that there’s good in the world, because of what I feel.

I mean we’re all only human right ?

So i know what I’m speaking of.

Music sets my soul on fire, and not having my computer turn on burns me to the core.

I’ve been suffering withdrawals from not pushing the keys on my keyboard.

But epiphanies have been prickling my mind while i sleep and I see the visions before i wake up, instruments are the next level that I shall manifest in after i completely conquer music technology.

The years ahead only keep me yearning for more vibes that are different.

The love in my life keeps me pushing to avoid their absence that gives me more time to forget about the pain that’s buried deep within my being.

But that’s when i had it all mistaken.

To not feel is to not live.

I want to live.

I’m going to live and the music that I make, and will make, will spark up a revolution that I am so ready to provoke.

I’m too tired of hearing “people like watching buildings burn”, “people don’t care”, “people have lost touch”, and other negative thoughts on how people have lost complete consciousness of the world that we live in.

I will be the prime example of what it means to connect together in unity once more before we’re all gone.

The sound cannot be ignored, the vibe cannot be forgettable, it will last for centuries after I’m gone.

I will get it all done, with time.

Patience isn’t my best asset but I will practice and excel to prove that people need an example to follow if they truly want peace, happiness, and structure in their lives.

GLOBALLY. INTERNATIONALLY.

Monthly blood thoughts that are overburdened

Regular days i don’t fret over most things, yet every beginning of the month, it is the time to unwind, unload, and pour out your soul, your heart, most importantly your mind.

Perhaps i take things too hard, perhaps i think a little too much.

Perhaps….

Indeed.

Yet how is one not to when you’re uncertain of so many situations because of other people’s shame within.

They have insecurities that they refuse to let out in the open when it’s just you and them.

A coward will be the first one to say I don’t care anymore, knowing that they do.

In this day and age it is forced to constantly have a poker face to show everyone that you’re intact and not as insane as everyone else is; because that is normal.

We are forced to not complain because people get tired of hearing your complaints, because they have their own shit to worry about whilst wondering if anyone cares about their own struggles because carrying on that burden is one too many to carry in itself due to the factors that comes along with it.

Talking about what you want from someone because you constantly give them support and love, loyalty, honesty, and your best, is wrong because they just take from the palm of your hand while you have your heart beating on it.

You accommodate someone by giving them space, yet they complain about your absence.

You prefer someone to do as you ask but yet, they forget because it’s not important to them.

It’s important to you. Just not to them.

You’re not a priority; had you been, what you ask or tell what you want or need, would be delivered.

I have my own struggles in the world, somehow i still manage to be an open book and talk about them humbly, because I’m that willing to allow myself to be my own testimony on how life isn’t as simple as we all wished it could be.

I’m okay with that.

What I’m not okay with is being taken for granted. Or shoved to the side because of my requests being “juvenile” or unnecessary.

Be honest and say it; they’re not significant or valuable to you.

Lies don’t get anyone anywhere.

They’ll never allow you to prosper.

I’m selfish

We all are.

I’m confident to admit that my selfishness isn’t on a level where it becomes a deal breaker.

I find new things to do/ think about daily based off of what i see and hear, it’s a trigger.

I guess you can call me lazy in that manner, usually I’d hunt for what’s “new” but majority of the time, i allow new things to come to me, at least I’d appreciate the theory of the universe blessing me consistently.

Shame

It takes: secrets, silence and judgement.

Shame is the gateway of being numb.

Empathy, it’s what i crave, what i yearn.

Isn’t that the dosage that everyone needs ?

Seems to me I’m one in a million that manages to still enable my emotions within my deepest part of my belly to affect my spine giving me an internal chill, feeling my toes and shoulders tingle while my chest swells up with air from the inside, that pushes through my arms and inflates them to open wide and allow a burdened soul to dwell within them, while I’m not sure that the love i call my own would even do that for me when asked.

That’s a scary feeling.

A feeling that is provoked constantly, daily, at that.

Unsure, that’s what i am.

Unsure if i should speak my mind and how i feel yet knowing it wouldn’t be taken in the way I’m delivering my point.

Shame starts to build.

Isn’t that humorous?

Having that much love, that you fear to put someone else out of place because of your emotions.

Pathetic, that’s what i think.

If someone can’t take your soft spoken words into consideration constantly while you can, is the closest thing to a monopoly.

Insecurities are put to sleep. Not over night. But eventually. How can that be done with someone that’s always keeping you on edge?

Taking control of the prices that your heart comes with only happens when you’ve given too much, and when you do your best to take it back, just to prove that your generosity isn’t something to be toyed with, it is then a problem.

The same people that wonder about the world being greedy, are the greediest ones.

Believe me, we all fit into that category.

To lead by example is too hard of a task most will attest.

False hope.

Incorrect response.

It can be done.

But they can’t pay the price because they’re not too fond of vulnerability.

Just you wait.

How do you stay in love?

How do you stay in love with someone that’s clingy to society’s ways and how things should and shouldn’t be done?

Why am I so accepting ?

Why am I so accepting to the beautiful things that people can offer this world yet they don’t say a word about one thing, or at least that’s what it seems like when there’s too much stupidity covering the brains.

Why am I here ?

Why am I here?

A: To make a better world with lyrics that’ll be top ground shaking to ignore. Impacting people by people, nation by nation, uniting the human race to bring them back to reality: times have changed, yes we adapt, but we don’t leave another fellow air breather behind just because were always rushing to get to the “next best thing”

I’ve been down for some time now, yet deep down inside, there’s a small luminous picture of my future in a small black box, showing images I’ve never seen before. Yet I’m the main person being shown, continuously.

Zeal

There’s a love I have for him, but I’m starting to see that it’s not being reciprocated as much, and yes, it bothers me. To the fucking core.

Cuddled dreams that are my own, burst into nightmarish flames when my body feels as though the love that should be saved for me, is being given to someone else.

I’m ungenerous with my heart, and although strangers that walk the street at night, give out more effort than he does sometimes, I still nix them off as if they’re a pack of fleas, because constant memories that were made flash into the back of my retinas, playing them over and over again, right on the stranger’s face when they ask or whisper “you got a man? Slide your number this way, damn, that’s a fat ass right there.” All I can see are dimples that replace the negativity, and a smile that melts me to the pavement of which I will land my very next step in, a voice that I’m too familiarized with, hands that I yearn to feel on my shoulders and face, a back that I want to take care of and heat that I want to add to while I sleep.

I wonder if it’s the same for them with me. I cry at night. Holding my pillow, wrapping my thighs around it, imagining, hoping, that it’ll turn into him at any given moment.

Still, and yet, blocked, in many aspects.

There’s a gap. There’s an emptiness. It’s not being filled. So many factors that add up to what makes me, me.

I don’t feel like me.

I’m not as happy as I want to be, but I suppose it’s because I haven’t reached my greatest peak of my mounted yet.

I’ve been setting up my days to have them organized just so I can have a free day to run away to the nearest exit that’ll say “Waterfall up ahead” i want to feel a heavy weight, heavier than the burdens that i carry, that’ll wash away, and make me laugh at myself for taking life so serious.

I want to have fun.

I want to be happy.

I want love.

I want to be loved.

I want a hug that allows me to place my hands on broad shoulders that’ll signify that I’m here and I’ll always be.

I want to feel again. It feels like I’m growing farther and farther from my body and closer to a black hole.

I have faith in myself and my good will that the love and happiness that isn’t being reciprocated the way i need it to be, will be shown through my work and experience of hard times.

It’ll make me stronger, and it’ll grow within me and my empathy 1,000,000,000 times over.

I’ll get my dream.

To be as naturally high as the clouds in the sky appear. Maybe higher than that.

Just you wait.

Dead Goldfish

What I’m watching/watched: Photography basics, Suits season 1, The Lobster, Vice abduction BDSM, etc.
What makes a show “good?”

                                        I.

Theres this feeling of freedom that comes with “going out” at the end of the week. It’s relief and another realm of life, apart from the one we adhere to Monday through mid Friday. I love the glowing lights in dark cars on long stretches of roads and music drowning out all before and everything after. All that matters is now. You can feel, taste, touch, and live the memory. The beeping, the buzzing, the temperature, the air, everything. 50 years from now you may or may not remember this exact Saturday but you were there. 
There’s something about strangers that keeps my soul burning. It’s the ability to exchange what living life at angles other than your own I find so intriguing. For this brief moment they invite you into their world to have a look, and that’s what I’m addicted to. The polar opposite of that is something I am also in love with, the familiarity of more than a friend. The dependability and emotional investment they are open to and allow. But…
                                      II.
i forgot what being a man was about 
So i figured i’d let society and women remind me 
Why cant we love another person just for being another person
The things i do in the dark not with her, 

The things she did in the dark not with me,

And what we do when no one is looking.
                                    III.

I have a self-diagnosed case of the day dad stopped looking like a super hero dilemma again
It’s full blown
I’m at this awkward unsolved stage in life
Am I leaving too early or staying too long 
Because all you want is a hug when you’re too high

I’m starting to see the importance of social bonds and how hard it can be to do everything yourself. Or be surrounded by people who dont understand. It’s misery that loves company but people just love company in general. Are we innately miserable?

I want to be free more than i want to be a god. 

The littlest things

Did i ever mention how hard it is to stay positive?!? I mean like FUCK!

Let me start over

Do you know how good it is to not play yourself into thinking that you need to be positive all the time?!

Positivity: the state or character of being

Positive: a positivity that accepts the world as it is.

I honestly don’t know if I’m the only person that’s starting to realize that we all fall victim to “being positive” (spooky voice) and it’s starting to seem like it’s an occupation that we’re all trying too hard to take on.

Just live man, things get hard, that i can toooootaly understand, yet the actual term itself means to accept the world as it is, right?

To me, being positive truly means to realize that you could have It so much worse than what you do now we all have to go through things in life to show us that we can reach a better level of ourselves now to actually do that is to live in reality and not get ahead of ourselves which is what we usually do because that’s what the world has set their standards to, i mean that’s what’s pretty evident in society now.

Especially in social media.

Everything is a vibe, everything is feeling, yet a good portion people don’t really understand what vibes or what feelings really are. It’s something that comes naturally to us and it seems as though it’s being forced on us to live a life that we know we want, but it’s better to portray as if we have it now and that’s not OK. not for your mental health for your physical health or any health, for that matter.

Relax, and enjoy the fruits of your labor.

For opportunities come and go, you must be positive enough to realize that the universe blesses you with them when you’re ready.

So stay prepared.

Neon Surprises 

What I expanded on today: different kinds of cryptocurrencies, ICOs, decentralization, art auctions, burn your bra, conversations you weren’t invited to, adult onesies, cognitive dissonance, indie movies, International (Seoul) Fashion, I’m an okay writer, John Malone candles, everything always has room for improvement, FOMO(fear of missing out) anxiety 
There’s something soothing about Sundays

At the moment I don’t get to enjoy them the way I want 

I feel like my world is on fire

I want to see 

Christmas in another country

I want to not worry

I want to love

But if i cant buy happiness I’d like to at least afford a place far enough away to escape the negativity

Hiding in my mind at the moment

I want to be better than the purpose we were born for 

And stray away from path that was most likely going to happen

I’m busy but I’ll be alright. 

Reality checks in, consider it settled.

We all have a habit of getting out of hand, jumping the gun, and wanting things to happen a lot faster than they should.

Processing things in your head is a lot easier when you’re left to process things in your reality, fitting your circumstances.

It’s something we have trouble getting together, then our minds end up tricking us and we get tired, when we have barely gotten through the whole entire day.

Relax.

You actually do have time.

Just not as much as you think.

Take a breath, allow yourself to feel your surroundings and start to plot on what should be done in order for you to have full control and dominance over your sanity and your future.

Prioritize

Set goals, FOLLOW THEM!

Pace yourself, sometimes you won’t get everything done in one day, so leave it for the next, (if you really can’t get to it, not because you don’t want to do it.)

Don’t take on too much that you know you can’t chew.

Take every day, well, day by day.

Keep the ones you cherish, up to date on how much you care about them, because I’m pretty sure there’s someone that loves you more than you might think they do.

(Hint hint)

Keep your home from clutter.

Your house is your sanity, your sanctuary and your thinking space as well as your peace.

No one wants to come home to a disgusting house after a long day at work, you leave work to come home, not to work more.

Kick your feet up, and think, think, think.

Think about where you want to go, what you want to do, and what you want and need to accomplish, you are your only exit.

Be gracious of all you have and know that things can always be a lot worse than they are now, and continue to plot on your future.

Everything will be okay, and everything will fall into place.

Bepatient.

F You

Sometimes I feel I’m living life sedated, lazy, and lost. I’m not sure what I even like anymore. Not much excites me other than what I’m capable of becoming later in life if I keep working now. Love won’t wait. But maybe it wasn’t love at all. I can feel myself becoming better and burning out all at the same time. I hope this doesn’t make me bitter during my human experience. Making mistakes is apart of being human but what is unforgivable? Unforgivable is forfeiting a life to a lost cause. Life is too precious to be spent on someone who focuses on negativity. And that’s why it’s so hard to let go. Because watching someone you used to love from their feet to the stars above turn into a former shell of themselves hurts. Gone is what could have been. But I rather not live with regrets.