Regular days i don’t fret over most things, yet every beginning of the month, it is the time to unwind, unload, and pour out your soul, your heart, most importantly your mind.
Perhaps i take things too hard, perhaps i think a little too much.
Yet how is one not to when you’re uncertain of so many situations because of other people’s shame within.
They have insecurities that they refuse to let out in the open when it’s just you and them.
A coward will be the first one to say I don’t care anymore, knowing that they do.
In this day and age it is forced to constantly have a poker face to show everyone that you’re intact and not as insane as everyone else is; because that is normal.
We are forced to not complain because people get tired of hearing your complaints, because they have their own shit to worry about whilst wondering if anyone cares about their own struggles because carrying on that burden is one too many to carry in itself due to the factors that comes along with it.
Talking about what you want from someone because you constantly give them support and love, loyalty, honesty, and your best, is wrong because they just take from the palm of your hand while you have your heart beating on it.
You accommodate someone by giving them space, yet they complain about your absence.
You prefer someone to do as you ask but yet, they forget because it’s not important to them.
It’s important to you. Just not to them.
You’re not a priority; had you been, what you ask or tell what you want or need, would be delivered.
I have my own struggles in the world, somehow i still manage to be an open book and talk about them humbly, because I’m that willing to allow myself to be my own testimony on how life isn’t as simple as we all wished it could be.
I’m okay with that.
What I’m not okay with is being taken for granted. Or shoved to the side because of my requests being “juvenile” or unnecessary.
Be honest and say it; they’re not significant or valuable to you.
Lies don’t get anyone anywhere.
They’ll never allow you to prosper.
We all are.
I’m confident to admit that my selfishness isn’t on a level where it becomes a deal breaker.
I find new things to do/ think about daily based off of what i see and hear, it’s a trigger.
I guess you can call me lazy in that manner, usually I’d hunt for what’s “new” but majority of the time, i allow new things to come to me, at least I’d appreciate the theory of the universe blessing me consistently.
It takes: secrets, silence and judgement.
Shame is the gateway of being numb.
Empathy, it’s what i crave, what i yearn.
Isn’t that the dosage that everyone needs ?
Seems to me I’m one in a million that manages to still enable my emotions within my deepest part of my belly to affect my spine giving me an internal chill, feeling my toes and shoulders tingle while my chest swells up with air from the inside, that pushes through my arms and inflates them to open wide and allow a burdened soul to dwell within them, while I’m not sure that the love i call my own would even do that for me when asked.
That’s a scary feeling.
A feeling that is provoked constantly, daily, at that.
Unsure, that’s what i am.
Unsure if i should speak my mind and how i feel yet knowing it wouldn’t be taken in the way I’m delivering my point.
Shame starts to build.
Isn’t that humorous?
Having that much love, that you fear to put someone else out of place because of your emotions.
Pathetic, that’s what i think.
If someone can’t take your soft spoken words into consideration constantly while you can, is the closest thing to a monopoly.
Insecurities are put to sleep. Not over night. But eventually. How can that be done with someone that’s always keeping you on edge?
Taking control of the prices that your heart comes with only happens when you’ve given too much, and when you do your best to take it back, just to prove that your generosity isn’t something to be toyed with, it is then a problem.
The same people that wonder about the world being greedy, are the greediest ones.
Believe me, we all fit into that category.
To lead by example is too hard of a task most will attest.
It can be done.
But they can’t pay the price because they’re not too fond of vulnerability.