Perfection in an imperfect society

Professional pretender how i adore you

I couldnt ever retain anger towards something so beautiful

My heart is crippled by the tight grip you have around it

The adrenaline puts my body in place and gets me ready to start;

Start a race between my heart and a car

My heart’s valves pumps blood speedily, giving this dodge an unfair take off. Horse power couldnt ever be compared to the stars that sneak their way through my cells into my heart, in my mind,

making them project through my eyes. 

How i long to taste your wonderful imagination continously with no intermjsson.

Yet my past is the one to blame

Self love is not a dilemma on my behalf, for insecurities of unfaithfulness strike my beating organ, making it pause, while my visual cortex takes over, munipulating my tears, when the smallest doubt comes into mind

I still crave, and attempt to trust you with the blindest faith known to man.

You wouldn’t hurt me… 

As far as my own fear would want to deny, I have hope in you 

Whiplash comes about even when your name is spoken. 

Nights under a sky is all that is ever needed to be reminded that life is too fast 

To stay angry at the past.

My body lingers in bed forcing memories to project against the walls of my eyes. 

Legs wrapping around a waist

 and arms get a little taste 

Of what a perfect wide back feels like when fingertips graze against the smallest form of a circle on the left hand side of a shoulder.

Stay here

That was all i could whisper to myself when you’re not near.

The scooped spoon imprint in ice cream formed on a neck is the perfect spot for a smooth chin that longs to be touched by the blood pressure of one that couldn’t possibly understand what her legs feel like when he’s simply breathing.

Gasps for air conditioning one to settle with small reps of limited breaths, 

You couldn’t understand love as such jf you’re not an alien; for only the two can comprehend what intellectual fireworks look like


-on a beach .

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Twisting the realities around

Showing remorse can bring you to your knees, but I’d rather that be the case than to not have endearment for you. I’ve went completely numb due to the lack of love and brutality shown onto me; but you, oh you. 

You bring me body trembles that keep me warm, instead of cold. 

You’re everything I could’ve asked for and yet, I’ve come to terms that we both provide. 

Come, the jazz sessions call your name along with mine

Stroke my strings, like the bass you call yours

Push your breaths on me and press my buttons like the trumpet you sing to. 

Empower me, as I you. 

Drink from me, as I you. 

I promise, my lively liquids will keep you satisfied until you’re ready for more. 

Thank you my love, 

Come drink, for we have the world’s colors to see. 

Note to future self. 

Someone once told me, in life, it’s best to just leave the negative thoughts behind and keep on trucking because there’s worse things that you’ll have to deal with. Subconsciously I’ve let negative thoughts run through my head and body, which reflected how I treated people, but I’ve tried so hard to become better, which I have; slightly. 

Starting school soon, I’ve began to contemplate as to why I’m deciding to start a new chapter all over again. With veterinarian technician, being my number one goal, I’ve noticed that it was a passion I wanted to pursue, but not at the moment. I’ve wanted, and still do, to take care of animals completely; but somewhere in that mix, I’ve noticed that I come first. Me. As mean and selfish as that sounds, I’ve brought it to my own mental attention, that I’m young, and I won’t be getting any younger. If I don’t take care of what I need to accomplish then I won’t achieve any of the goals I want to acquire, then I won’t attain the happiness I want in the near future. 

Which brings me to music, (my first choice), oh the flawless admiration I have for that word itself let alone the pure instruments that make it, what it really is. Nothing could ever bring me to loathe music, for its all I think about, for example, when I leave to a restaurant or even waiting on line at a store, I have to touch something and make up a beat, which progresses on to become a potential song in my head, which pushes me closer to successfully knocking down yet, another obstacle. 

You see, I think about money a lot, but I also think about helping animals more than people. Because I’ve always despised individuals who don’t really care about the planet. They irk me in full honesty. Then there comes children, because they’re our future of course. Counseling came to mind. But then again, how can I help others if I cannot assist myself with my best interests to help those in need? 

It all came back down to square one, which has taught me a very valuable lesson over and over again. 

Your first choice? Let that be your decision

I’d like to think of it as a juxtaposition to a drunk person. 

Your first choice is something you know will make you happy, (not in many cases but so far in mine), and that second choice is something that you think will be better than your first choice but won’t really make you as happy as your first choice. Now let’s view the drunken individuals, when sober, they don’t spill out their feelings/thoughts/concerns as much as they would when they’re drunk. Because their second choice is to not say anything about what they really feel like saying. Although they know that if  they were to bring up their honesty, as blunt as it may seem and or be, they’ll get ridiculed or misjudged for speaking up. 

Now that, that’s out of the way, I’m proud to say that I believe I’m taking the necessary steps in my life for my future because it’s, well, it’s not the “right” thing to do, but it’s the smart thing to do. Who wants to be held up in a square town that is a dead end and not move forward ? My city, Elizabeth, New Jersey, is my comfort zone, but it isn’t my “home” for I know I love the parks, streets, and festivals as well as the locals I may recognize, but deep down within me, I know it’s not somewhere I see myself living for the rest of my life. 

There are invisible walls that have been put up for those that seek the average things in life, as for me? Those walls have been torn down since the age of 15, furthermore, I believe it’s time I take a few steps over those broken down walls and feel the world out for myself and my future relationships and endeavors, for nothing, and, no one will be able to stop me. 

Sincerely, 

Felisha Perez .

Beau

Love me down

Finish your plate

Don’t give me a frown

Come here to heavens gate

For the now

My waterfalls will make you weak 

Certain strokes give me “WOW”

Moments 

Come and let me make you tweak 

While I watch you quiver after my love is given 

I bask in my satisfaction of your surrender

This was wholeheartedly driven 

My mentality and vibes are benders

I bend broken hearts and build them anew 

Giving you my liquids from my fountain

Come sit next to me and enjoy the view 

The view from skies to oceans to the top of a mountain

With you inside of me, I see your colors spring about

I grab your heart from inside of your body, to give it a kiss, just to put it back

Look me in my eyes so I can turn you out

I keep my clothes on to keep your imagination in tack 

We can never lose ourselves in a drought

Our bodies must be flowing rivers of life

Come taste it

Fondle me like you would a fife 

Put your fingers in the holes, filling them up, with no exit

Stay. Forever. 

And never leave

Compared to most, I’m pretty clever

Come to me, and receive 

This gift I give you, that takes you to a different element

I promise I’ll be a good girl

I promise I’ll repent 

Make me unfurl 

I’ll make you wild

Happy, and intrigued with this game we play 

Your smile will be bigger than a child’s 

So speed up, I don’t have all day. 

Meet me here then over there,

I’ll lick your spots

Just tell me where

Connecting them like stars that connect dots.

Come lay in between my legs, 

You’re not entering, just simply sharing an intimate position

Talk to me like a puppy that begs 

Let me be your physician 

I’ll put you back into place

I can make you remember 

Leaving long strokes of my tongue on your face

Then on your back that’s hotter than ember 

But I’ll cool off, and so will you.

Come love me down,

You beau. 

Interesting, what else ?

Have you ever been so hungry that your stomach starts singing to your ears ? 

I’m sure you have. 

The thing is here, my hunger is a little different from that particular hunger. 

I hear ticking in my head. My little ol’ head. It says tick tick tick tick, it’s a song that’s set on repeat and lasts Day and night. I can even hear it in my dreams. I call it, the ticking time clock. You see, the more I learn the faster it ticks. The more it ticks the faster my brain becomes filled with the yearning sensation of gaining new knowledge. 

I’ve always heard “you’re too curious”, “curiosity killed the cat!” I reply “and satisfaction brought it back” “don’t do that! You’ll end up hurting yourself!” “Be careful, you shouldn’t do that. You don’t know what’s there” 

The problem here is, I’ve always been a problem child. Growing up, I’ve always gotten reprimanded for every little thing I did, because I was too curious for my own good. I’m too smart for my own good. But I really can’t help it. Maybe if I explain myself a little better I could get the full point across ? 

When I see something new, I investigate. I look through the ins and outs of every single situation I put myself through whether it be good or bad, I always make sure I have a back up plan if my investigations go sour. Then I put it in my brain and go look for something else to discover. 

My problem is, I’m never content with the knowledge I receive. I’ve never been the type of individual to be happy to learn one thing at a time. I like to bombard my mind with things that are foreign to me and my brain so I can find some type of connection between the numerous things I’ve recently learned and it has happened before, well, pretty much all of the time. Sometimes I wonder if there’s only but so much learning one man and or woman can do. 

But then I answer my own question in the midst of thinking about a different answer; the world doesn’t have all of these countries, and languages to sit there and get looked at. They’re there for curious people that want the most out of their lives. It’s for those that crave the vibrations of a new language tickling their spine, for those that crave a new taste in their mouth, that yearn for a new place to have the sun beeming in their faces and the breath of new fresh air . 

It’s really bad isn’t it ? Hmm, I bet it is. But that’s okay. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only human being on the face of this earth that feels that way. Hopefully this makes you yearn for a ticking time clock in your head . 

Until then, I can only investigate and imagine what I’m going to see next ! 

The 7 wonders 

As Fleetwoodmac said “If I live to see the 7 wonders I’ll make a path to the rainbow’s end, I’ll never live to match the beauty again”

But where is the rainbow’s end exactly ? 

In my opinion, I’d consider every place you’ve never been, the rainbow’s beginning and end. Due to the many colors that you’ll be introduced to, the different cultures, different sceneries, different people! Life offers many ideas for each and everyone to grasp on to, but it’s up to you, to grab them . 

Road trips, plane rides, boat rides, walking, running, however you decide to get there, you shall, if you push yourself . 

Love comes in many different forms to the generality of the world; allowing yourself to see this will make everything so much more bonzer; letting go of what made you doubt yourself and those who had a great umbra over you, will show you how much power you really have over your life and your happiness. 

Begin to realize YOU are the answer to every problem as well as every solution, don’t you ever forget that. 

Take pictures, mentally and physically. You’ll begin to cognizant how beautiful the world is, and you can compare everywhere to.. well basically everywhere, just to see which place has the better scenery. 


Never stop ensuing to be a better you everyday! 
Photo cred: http://instagram.com/i.am.also.brod5ky

Is it or is it not ?!?

What I believe to be the causes of death are

  1. Procrastination 
  2. Lies
  3. Hate/ jealousy 
  4. Inconsistency 
  5. Lack of ambition 
  6. Self pitying 

All of these things allow people to stay behind and not progress in life, speaking of things that they wish and or want to happen, but don’t have the drive, ambition, passion, motivation, vision, and dream for it, will cause them to hate life. Believe me you, I’ve seen it first hand from friends I thought I would always have in my life. Apparently working hard for what they wanted was too hard, and they thought it was better to stay comfortable than to move forward as well as progress. 

If you allow it to happen to you willingly, just remember what you’re giving up . 

Keep pushing ! Keep striving !  

The Talisman

Her walk: glorious

Her voice: gracious

Her smile: out of this world

Her ambition: bigger than anyone else’s 

Someone was always running towards her for advice, for comfort, for shelter, for food, for a good laugh, you name it, she was the mother to a safe haven; everything about her screamed independence. 

My mother’s sister she was, but to me, and almost every cousin and family member I could think of, she was our mother, something about her couldn’t ever be replaced, it was like she was our super hero. 

For your understanding here are some stories

  1. Maryland

She drove to my house in downtown Elizabeth (at that time being) and asked my mother to send me downstairs. Automatically I ran down, because whenever Myrta was around, you knew it would be a great genuine time. She seen me, put her arms up in the air forming a kind of squared shaped ‘u’ and she then let out her famous laugh and saying “Hey miss thing!” She then asked me how did I feel about taking a road trip, now before I go on, think to yourself, how would an 11 year old girl feel about taking a road trip with her favorite aunt ? Overwhelmed might be the proper word for it. 

Continuing on…

“What’s that look for ? You look like someone told you that you won one trillion dollars!” I mean why wouldn’t I have that face right ? I ran up the stairs and got my clothes ready for an eventful weekend. When I came back downstairs she had the trunk prepared for my duffle bag, I couldn’t wait for this road trip to begin. Two hours in the drive, her gps had started to act up, continuously saying turn right, turn right, turn right! Never have I ever seen her get so upset with technology! She threw the gps out of the window and pulled out the printed directions off of mapquest, I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed so hard. The playlist on this car ride went from the O’jays, Marvin gaye, the temptations, Gladys Knight, Oscar DeLeon, prince, The Weezers, house music, classical music, the list goes on and on, but I didn’t take the music for granted. 

   2. Sonya’s baby shower

I remember sitting there waiting for my cousin Sonya to hurry up and walk in for the surprise baby shower, but of course Sonya will be Sonya, she wasn’t really surprised she had a look of confusion in other words, she was kind of expecting this to happen she had us all laughing and crying in tears. 

But Myrta, she loved Sonya’s belly, she had been next to my mother and I, simply saying “she’s so beautiful pregnant, she has the perfect belly, we didn’t have that !” And there went that famous laugh of hers, as she spoke to my mother. Myrta wore such a beautiful black and white dress, which she absolutely loved wearing. Black and white were her favorite colors.

         3. My sweet sixteen. 

Beauty is something that can be bought but never instilled. Myrta was beautiful inside and out, and on my sweet sixteen she received a lucky candle that I gave to her. She thanked me, but before she did that, she brought my dress, and told me to never let it go. Which I don’t intend on doing. 

     4. Florida 

My parents, George and Sylvia as well as my aunt Myrta and myself rode 15 hours to Florida, I would have to say, that had to be the best time of my life, Titi Myrta introduced me to Starbucks coffee for the first time. We had to stop multiple times due to Myrta’s diabetes. But I didn’t mind it, we stopped at many fine places 

  1. Dine in motel that had so many hillbillies, but they were so kind ! Titi Myrta told me to try their grits and the way they made them. She said learning new things had to be the ultimate goal in everyone’s lives, “it feeds your brain nena.” She used to tell me that so many times.
  2. Waffle House. That was my first time going there ever. I strongly encourage readers to go there asap, any Waffle House will do, as long as you have their whipped cream strawberry waffles with ice cream and a cherry on top!
  3. Cracker Barrel, best food on earth !!! 
  4. A souvenir store inside of Cracker Barrel, that store had so many shiny stones made me want to take all of them home

We did so much in Florida, but most of all, we all had an amazing time. We seen 3 alligators crossing the street as if they owned it, Myrta took a picture of them and said they resembled the three stooges. We went to at least 5 flea markets as well as thrift stores and went for walks under the Floridian starry sky. Unfortunately this is where the story goes sour. Titi Myrta grabbed her hair to put into a ponytail and noticed a chunk came out, she had been losing so much weight, but automatically thought it had been due to having diabetes. Sadly we didn’t take notice that it would later be caused by lung cancer .

       5. Pennsylvania 

Allentown, Pennsylvania is where my father’s sister Nela stayed; she used to live there, having such an enormous but simple home. Pure beauty. Titi Nela and her sons and daughter treated Myrta with such great hospitality; serving her whatever she wished to eat and offered to take her wherever she had wanted to go. But one thing that caught me off guard was Tori. Tori had been my aunt Nela’s dog/daughter/partner in crime. She was an American bull dog mixed with a pitbull terrier, she was beautiful and looked like a cow. Black and white. Never in my life did I ever expect Tori and Myrta to click the way they did only because Titi didn’t like big dogs near her. But tori made her presence very well known with Titi Myrta. She made sure she protected Titi while she stood there and made her final month with her enjoyable. 
      6. Cancer treatment Centers of America 

Titi had her final days here, of course it was never on a good note but she loved the way they treated her there, the nurses just loved her. But Titi had enough of being there after a while. A few weeks after she finished her will, she demanded that she come home (she knew it was time to go and rest but she didn’t want us to know through words so she let us know through her actions.) “They took the parkway!” She calculated in her mind as the ambulance driver took longer than expected to take her home . She never lost her mental. She may have been sick, but she wasn’t dumb. Very smart infact . 

She passed away September 16th, 2012. A year and date I don’t think anyone close to her could ever forget. She was our talisman, she had been our esperance in desperate situations, she was and forever will be our queen. 

Unaware

I didn’t know it would come down to this ! Doing what others said couldn’t be done, saying things that should be left a secret, how could I ever let this happen ?! 
But wait.. there’s other things to worry about, like how I totally thought you had a way out, and I thought I had a way in. We’re stuck here but there’s not much we can really do now hm? 
The night stars watch us eagerly as we sit here; letting the time run past us. It’s a shame we couldn’t touch or hold them closer to our liking. Although nothing compares to this moment. I ponder 10 million times in my head before I ask you the infamous question of eternity
“Do you really love me?”
Met stares begin to leave me in a worried state, wondering if the answer will be what I want to hear. I’m betting that you’ll say you really don-
“Yes, I really do.” 
There it goes again, I speak before I’m spoken to, I answer questions for you in my head before I hear what you have to say.. why does this happen? Why do I do this ? 
Allowing you in my head is a dangerous game, for you could never be so sure on what is really in there, but you, oh you, you sure know what goes on in this mysterious mentality of mine; and I love you for it. 

Dear Isidore (Izzy) Malanga; thank you .

This man in the picture above is someone I aspire to be one day. Such wisdom, such grace, and such happiness.

Quotes by Isidore Malanga:

“In life you must move on, no mater how hard it hurts, because sometimes I catch myself talking in my sleep speaking to my wife saying ‘no I don’t want anymore coffee’ but I forget she’s gone, she’s not there anymore, but I miss her.”

“Way back when we used to court I used to sit on the porches stoop in front of the house and 9pm was the time to go in, but I didn’t go until 10, we took everything slow; now it’s not like that anymore too much exposure and too much promiscuity, there’s no more true love out there and if there is, they need to hold on. Sometimes couples, especially married couples don’t reach the seven year itch in a marriage.”

“My wife and I went to school together and we already said that we would have four kids”

“My brother was stationed in Japan too.”

“I had 13 brothers and sisters including myself, I mean what do you expect ? (He laughs) they didn’t have TVs back then!”

Today I noticed the greatest gift of all; it’s life. There’s so much to do and most would consider it to be in such little time, but a lesson I have learned from new my dear friend izzy, is that time has no end when you’re a happy individual. Time bows down to you when you’re happy with yourself before your success.

 Love, it’s something that you must hold on to. Izzy loved his wife so much, the fact that he still sees her in his dreams is the definition of what love is. He misses her of course but just like a child lets go of their childhood best stuffed animal friend, they remember it as they grow older, the love will always be there. It’s funny speaking about it now on this blog but a friend once told me “memories are all you’re left with” sometimes it’s the memories that keeps us all alive. 63 years married to his wife and 72 years together in a relationship. GOALS!

Humor, he has a lot of it. I noticed him reading or at least that’s what he seemed to be doing,  but to my surprise, he had been making fun of the people in the magazine. He told me this girl looks like she could use 5 deep fried chicken legs, his face became so red. 

Listening, something a lot of people in this day and age don’t know how to do. I sit there and listen to Izzy tell me stories for hours and I couldn’t enjoy it anymore than I did. 


Smile. Smiling is the best thing you could do, it’s like the appetizer to your soul before you receive the full course meal of laughter. When he smiles, I feel that everything will be okay, just because he smiles so much. His raspy voice reminds me of a child telling secrets to you in your ear, you must go near him in order to hear him clearly but that’s the best part ! His eyes are waves from all the seven seas combined. The color blue can’t even think about competing with his topaz iris’.


Communication, is what Izzy is very good at, he makes me laugh every time he speaks due to the fact that he speaks with the eagerness of a child receiving a new gift. He spoke to my grandparents with such happiness and made sure he allowed everyone to feel included in the conversations he had.


Observation, he’s so good at that ! He looks at different objects in the room to remind him of the past so he’s able to talk about yet, another story, and I find it so fascinating


Before I left I had to take this photo, it’s like a thank you for myself and to him, myself because of being able to relate to him and being able to make him feel comfortable enough to share his life’s timeline with me. A thank you to Isidore because he has allowed me to see how much more living I have to-correction, I must do. 

December 15th, 1925 is the day that Isidore had been born. He’s 91 years old and is still kicking. What a bad ass to meet .