Monthly blood thoughts that are overburdened

Regular days i don’t fret over most things, yet every beginning of the month, it is the time to unwind, unload, and pour out your soul, your heart, most importantly your mind.

Perhaps i take things too hard, perhaps i think a little too much.

Perhaps….

Indeed.

Yet how is one not to when you’re uncertain of so many situations because of other people’s shame within.

They have insecurities that they refuse to let out in the open when it’s just you and them.

A coward will be the first one to say I don’t care anymore, knowing that they do.

In this day and age it is forced to constantly have a poker face to show everyone that you’re intact and not as insane as everyone else is; because that is normal.

We are forced to not complain because people get tired of hearing your complaints, because they have their own shit to worry about whilst wondering if anyone cares about their own struggles because carrying on that burden is one too many to carry in itself due to the factors that comes along with it.

Talking about what you want from someone because you constantly give them support and love, loyalty, honesty, and your best, is wrong because they just take from the palm of your hand while you have your heart beating on it.

You accommodate someone by giving them space, yet they complain about your absence.

You prefer someone to do as you ask but yet, they forget because it’s not important to them.

It’s important to you. Just not to them.

You’re not a priority; had you been, what you ask or tell what you want or need, would be delivered.

I have my own struggles in the world, somehow i still manage to be an open book and talk about them humbly, because I’m that willing to allow myself to be my own testimony on how life isn’t as simple as we all wished it could be.

I’m okay with that.

What I’m not okay with is being taken for granted. Or shoved to the side because of my requests being “juvenile” or unnecessary.

Be honest and say it; they’re not significant or valuable to you.

Lies don’t get anyone anywhere.

They’ll never allow you to prosper.

I’m selfish

We all are.

I’m confident to admit that my selfishness isn’t on a level where it becomes a deal breaker.

I find new things to do/ think about daily based off of what i see and hear, it’s a trigger.

I guess you can call me lazy in that manner, usually I’d hunt for what’s “new” but majority of the time, i allow new things to come to me, at least I’d appreciate the theory of the universe blessing me consistently.

Shame

It takes: secrets, silence and judgement.

Shame is the gateway of being numb.

Empathy, it’s what i crave, what i yearn.

Isn’t that the dosage that everyone needs ?

Seems to me I’m one in a million that manages to still enable my emotions within my deepest part of my belly to affect my spine giving me an internal chill, feeling my toes and shoulders tingle while my chest swells up with air from the inside, that pushes through my arms and inflates them to open wide and allow a burdened soul to dwell within them, while I’m not sure that the love i call my own would even do that for me when asked.

That’s a scary feeling.

A feeling that is provoked constantly, daily, at that.

Unsure, that’s what i am.

Unsure if i should speak my mind and how i feel yet knowing it wouldn’t be taken in the way I’m delivering my point.

Shame starts to build.

Isn’t that humorous?

Having that much love, that you fear to put someone else out of place because of your emotions.

Pathetic, that’s what i think.

If someone can’t take your soft spoken words into consideration constantly while you can, is the closest thing to a monopoly.

Insecurities are put to sleep. Not over night. But eventually. How can that be done with someone that’s always keeping you on edge?

Taking control of the prices that your heart comes with only happens when you’ve given too much, and when you do your best to take it back, just to prove that your generosity isn’t something to be toyed with, it is then a problem.

The same people that wonder about the world being greedy, are the greediest ones.

Believe me, we all fit into that category.

To lead by example is too hard of a task most will attest.

False hope.

Incorrect response.

It can be done.

But they can’t pay the price because they’re not too fond of vulnerability.

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Live with it, or change it…. gradually :) 

The smallest things count, yet at the very same parallel moment, they don’t. 

Have you ever wondered if saving the world, is something that really should be considered ? 

Let’s put it like this, 

America, the great, the brave, the strong slogan “united we stand” but they never mentioned individually you fall if you can’t keep up.

By keeping up I’m connoting the realization of the way America presents international problems as their own, when in reality, it isn’t, it’s because they’re nosy.

In certain cases of course. 

Don’t waste food, kids and people as a generality are suffering in third world countries, so it’s placed on our shoulders to care and to not let a grain go to waste. Yet the obesity levels in America is astonishingly saddening. While putting meals together and delivering them to those that are really in need is a problem if there’s not a dime involved. 

Ever seen avatar ? 

The same method of Andrew Jackson, and seemingly the same method that President Donald Trump is presenting, subconsciously, to others, there’s no sign of coequalness. People are being told that social media will give you all of the news you need to hear or learn about, but, it’s hard to stay engrossed when the same thing is happening on there too. Yet people enjoy it, makes you wonder are human brains getting smaller? 

Wars are being threatened with, when in reality, there’s billions of people at stake, lives that could be lost, that could be transitioned from excellent to a nightmarish hell. 

Social media has made it a habitual thing to make fun of the world’s devistating news. The intentness is on the humor more than it is on the seriousness of situations that the “United States of America” is faced with. 

While in the long run, people confabulate about world peace and thoughts that could be made into a reality through time, effort, and plans that are set up to be executed. 

The faith I have within humanity, it’s sickening sometimes, but I believe that one special day, the façades of the mask wearers will be exposed and their insecurities would be something that could be worked on, instead of ridiculed by the same people that feel the same things as them, if not deeper. 

Short and sweet 


The worlds way of showing us how simplicity is really the cure to a multitude of mislead souls, we’ve been stuck in the one track minded mental, brought to think that whatever anyone else is doing, we must do better, and boast about it through a façade of humbled behavior.. that’s not the wave… sad to say that we all get stuck in it at some point in time, it’s up to you whether you stay stuck in a circled drain mentality, there’s ups and downs to every situation; for we might not know why and how, we all get frustrated and perplexed. Yet in those moments most of us cling to the, what we’d like to call, “comfort”, of our emotions, and steering away from positive logic thought. Bringing yourself to terms, with yourself, being kind to yourself, things will occur that you’d never imagine, contentment will be in your favor. Keeping that faith, and discipline, is the hardest part; so it can and will be done, if pursued. 

Nah b, hold up! 


It’s hard to not feel entitled to certain things, situations and people, due to the treatment, even objects. Anyone can say that they usually do something while their behavior has changed, whether it be with another person, situation and or thing.

 Once we, as people, get comfortable with stuff being the way that they are, we begin to question where we stand with those factors that may be apart of our daily activities or even if there are long term hiatus’, we always notice when there’s a small change, or even large one.

Some of us at least.

Its difficult to realize this and face it sometimes, especially when we don’t want things to change, because in reality, some people don’t like change; they’d just rather things that are apart of whatever it is that’s important to them get better in the form that it’s already in. 

That’s where entitlement comes in. Sometimes it’s okay to not feel good about it, yet in that moment, we have to realize that people, places, and or things shouldn’t have that much of a significant impact on our lives because not everything lasts forever. Because entitlement leads to expectations, and if you expect people to deliver for you more than you do for yourself, you’ll never be happy. Unfortunately, I’m starting to realize this more and more each day.

But…

We could try to stretch it out if we could right ?

Or at least that’s what we’d like to believe. 

You see, sometimes waiting isn’t our thing. Waiting for a package to come, a situation to arise or be solved, and people making you think or wait longer than you believe you “should”. 

Entitlement is the same thing as happiness, and if you put that in other people, they’ll disappoint you every single time. Due to many reasons.

  1. It could be how they are
  2. Excuses are made up to cover up the truth behind the reason because of the way that things are set up
  3. Importance on what the place, situation, and or person might be, because people can treat things, situations and other individuals like it’s a priority until something or someone else comes along. 
  4. And last but not least time, things happen during the days and nights that most people don’t want to share or simply forget about, which kind of piggybacks off of importance.. if people, places, things, and situations are important to a person, they take care of it right away, or at least they try to. 

So, when you start to feel entitled to something, and or someone, just remember, they might not view things or feel the same way that you might. When you start to see that, it’ll be better to keep in mind that only you, can make that happen if you allow those things and or people to have that much of a significant importance/ impact on your life. 

If there’s an archer and they’re practicing to successfully find a target to shoot, it’ll be conquered. But if they feel like they deserve to hit that target just because they’re an “archer” then they’ll have a lot of disappointment to face. 

Be humble and keep yourself happy. Don’t leave that in other people’s hands. 

Unless they earn that treatment. 

How come? 

She doesn’t like being upset with them . 

It seems inside her blood, there’s a bailey

She can’t be knocked down, 

Yet her knees buckle when she thinks of them.

She doesn’t like having the feelings she does. 

The numb days. They were the best. 

But they could never have the effect on her like these heart beats do. 

They’re not regular

They skip, they bring happiness and whirlpools in her stomach

That makes her so sick, she wished that they weren’t there

But often ponders as to what would happen if they weren’t there. 

That’s when she begins to realize she’s wrong. 

Her arms and legs become clingy

Remaining ready at all times to squeeze with so much affection.

Still, the numb days didn’t bring her lungs to the verge of collapsing 

And her heart didn’t run a mile a minute when something didn’t go the way it usually would. 

She didn’t care

And now she does.

Trying to lock her heart in a chastiy belt specially built for her heart.

But it’s gained too much love, and is now too big to fit it.

She’s angry that she’s allowed herself to be this vulnerable. 

She had gotten so good at keeping her emotions in shallow waters. 

But now? The sun has evaporated all of the water and has rays of love shining from it.

She can’t TAKE IT! She feels so janus-faced. 

It’s making her worried, scared, happy, and anxious all in one.

Until she realizes, 

It shouldn’t be that deep. 

But her heart. 

It beats so hard that it creates shock waves that can be felt thousands of miles away. 

She’s very cautious she doesn’t trust that easily. 

Now more than ever, she’s having doubts on top of doubts

Her anxiousness is the result of not being fully reassured the way she wants to be. 

So now, she’s thinking more than she should and it’s bothering her. 

Distractions will be her new hobby. 

She can’t keep wearing her heart on her sleeve. 

She’ll get hurt. 

Patiently waiting and knows that when she gets where she wants, and sees who she wants, 

All of that, will fly out of the window of uncertainty. 

Pushing emotions away in the process. (Part one) 

My soul rips apart heavy tears of hatred flowing through my eyes

Just the sight alone makes me wanna despise 

Slightly hanging on to hope that I know I shouldn’t dare touch

Anger ripped my chest open preparing it for a punch

Having resentment for them is not a pleasant thing to face

Seeing the shadow of an image brings me disgrace 

The thought alone keeps me shut

So when I find myself over heating all I can bring to my lips is “but”

But nothing, no worries, things will get figured out

My heart’s  growing strong with wisdom that I don’t know about 

Well, I know it, but I cannot see it

Trying to understand how one can tolerate so much bullshit 

I’m not a person that can be patient for very long, 

It gets tiring listening to that same “song” 

I’m better than what I’ve been before

Try looking at another perspective trying to open a door

It’s harder than it looks, believe me you

Trying to be happy when it isn’t true

I’d be happy if things went how they were wished

So it’s just left in the water, like an unwashed dish. 

Tea with lemon and honey should help out

Maybe with a little whiskey, and I won’t shout

Silence is my tranquility when there’s a raging fire

Not satisfied when I don’t see the evident desire. 

 

Pondering multiple random words

Blinded by luscious words

A wish will stay thrown up in the air while getting slapped by the turd 

Nothing is as pleasant as a beautiful night 

Being able to trust your own might

Meaningless conversations bring me to a pause 

Like teachers over analyzing a specific clause

Wishing you were a flower in my hand that blooms 

Everyday 

Every minute 

Every hour

Your lips and fingers feel like other women have been in your presence making me quiver needing to scour 

Depressing laughs bring me to a realization 

Your posionous licks cut my circulation 

“Loves gonna get you killed but pride is gonna be the death of you and you and you and me and you and you and you and me and you and you and me” 

Seeing such a scowl gives me reason to exit to sea

Bleeding for you, attaining knowledge of the ice in your veins 

Keeps growing in my pains 

Fingernails scraping your skin from love making that was too rough

While you fill me up with your slough 

I’ll put happiness inside of you, by will or force 

Putting you in constant jubilee without remorse 

The three words that can make or break you

I love you, I HATE YOU ! 

Those could be the last words you spoke 

My heart still obtains the holes which you have poke-d 

Simple laughs and complex mind readings

That shall result in my beheadings

Of mind and soul

My Body could never be an option in this role 
For it’s too strong to let you hold it prisoner 

Although I’ve often prayed for a conditioner 

For your aura

Because it’s harder than coral 

When dried

Though I’ve cried

I’ve seen days better than this

I’m more than grateful for this ignorant bliss

For you think I’m not enlightened

But I am have knowledge of a plethora of things that can keep you frightened 

Don’t push what you don’t know 

Due to the soap opera also known as your show

It’s fine. 

I’ll be “blind” 

Sweet release 

Pain

It’ll make you go insane 

Something in the brain

Makes you think too much

It’s like a punch 

In the gut, then to the face 

Suddenly I feel a need to pace 

Back and forth just like these thoughts

It’s a disease that needs to be fought

Better off easier said than done

But in the end, the thoughts have won 

Knowing what’s said to the cardinal, is never fully true 

Leaving space for the spinning room’s doubts towards you .

I concur to certain phrases

But this heart of mine is built like a bunch of broken vases 

It’s not like I try to be better than I was yesterday because I do

But the only thing that’s holding me back is you .

Your thoughts, mind, soul, and feelings Suddenly erupt 

It’s like a conversation that shouldn’t be interrupt…Ed

Putting yourself in my shoes will show you how I think 

In the final chapter I am my own shrink

I hold myself at night 

Not letting go, gripping tight

Rock back and forth just to sleep

While others count numerous things, I’d count you before I’d count sheep

It’s deep, this connection I have within my brain

So go ahead and feed me that bullshit saying “you don’t feel the same”

Way . 

Believing lies are easy

Believing the truth makes my breathless heart wheezy

Laying solo allowing the empty breeze to come in

While suddenly realizing my patience is running thin 

My heart beats rapidly in the middle of my slumber 

While my mind comes to a rumble of paranoid thunder

Toes wiggle while fingers clutch to these twin sheets

Legs suddenly crossed feeling a panic forcing me to fleet

Sure the right words are spoken, but they can never fool this third eye

Seeing your front gives me reason to just walk on by

By your face, your smile, and your scent

Why do I feel a sudden need to repent ? 

I allow your vibe to flow deep through and within me 

Chains shackled on my soul that yearns to be free

Free with you, on the surface of the moon

Forcing me to deal with the reality too soon. 

You’re gone. And never will be back

Reach me soon so I can read Saturn’s table zodiac

Trying to reach to the other side

Knowing that it’s not where I can abide 

I’m trying my hardest to keep you close to me 

Not recognizing that you’re the frenemy

Breaking my trust and heart piece by piece

Waiting for these tears to open their show of sweet release .