The Room

Photo: (Street Walkers – Aaron Johnson)


Anxiety and depression wrapped neatly in the corner creeping closer

I might die in this room 

Or you might lead the way out 
Either way I’m here and you are too
Before I panicked because things changed,

And currently worry because I don’t know if they’ll ever go back to the way they were

What do these memories mean?


The same way I invite people in to ruin my life

I can find purpose in the pain if I work through it 

You see the best in people 

I expect the worst 

Can we meet somewhere in the middle 

The only other option was death or a dull life, I kept going

Never fall victim to the vices set before you, posted at every milestone

Forever uncomfortable 

living in-between the lines 

Funny how people never get around to living life 

The spider, the fly, and the witness 

Looking back at the life you never had 

It’ll eat you alive in the end.

My observation of Faye part 2

“You ready?” Her breaths came as a shock to me, I’d never thought that once in my life I’d see her breathe this hard, I haven’t even penetrated her yet. “You sure?” Faye laughed, speaking so gently, as if she wasn’t just breathing harder than a marathon runner. “Yes Lucas, I’m ready.” I reached for her hand, but there was that feeling again; she smiled and put her arm over her chest, and muttered “well, what’s wrong with me this time?” “Nothing” I said, “It’s just, you’re really going to let this happen?” I didn’t think that you and I would, you know, be here doin- wait, you were breathing hard like that because you’re nervous?” That was it. Bingo. She was scared, she kept covering her chest and her eyes, and didn’t want me to touch her yet until she was ready. “Come lay down with me, let me explain something to you Lucas, in detail.” She caught me off guard but I did as she said anyways. “Give me your hand, and please tell me what you feel.” She began to smile, “stop being such a lion heart, feel my hand and tell me what you feel.” I began to grow a little nervous because I had never taken the time to fully analyze how her hands are so much smaller than mine, yet they’re so strong but softer than a child’s cheek. The way her hand fit into mine, was as if it belonged there, purposely belonged there. 

I started to get scared now, because she was everything I could ever dream of, and ye- “Just because we make love tonight does not mean I will be chasing after you okay? I. Don’t. Chase. I don’t compete either. So remember that, because you have one time to slip up, now tell me how beautiful I am, and make my dreams into a reality.” All I could do was laugh. Her confidence, her spunk, she wasn’t God’s gift to men, but her smile and her spirit made it all worth it to say she was. “Faye?” “Yes Lucas?” “I- I love you.” “Don’t just love me, but enjoy me while you love me. I’m only here for a certain amount of time, make it useful.” When she put that into perspective, a sort of an anguished feeling began to grow within my abdomen. “Why would you say that?” She chuckled “because you can get any little girl you’d like, but not me. You have to work for my love, I’m not going to just give it to you, Prince Charming. You can fool them but not me. So because I’m making you realize my worth, I’m letting you know that you need to take advantage of it now before I’m gone tomorrow, or whenever the reaper calls on me. You won’t be able to do it when I’m dead now would you?” 

The girl made a point. 

I will forever love her, and won’t ever stop. 

The human condition and west of division

Fighting over parking spots and other frivolous things. The DNA in most humans is actually quite terrible. The longing to have your name live on long after you’re gone. Beast in a flesh cage. Livewires grounded by the realities of humanity. Impermanence. Fear and loathing spread past Las Vegas. If you take a step back you can see the beauty in it all. Everything perfect in all the imperfections. But where do we go from here? Life. A puzzle perpetually unsolved. Every generation given a new chance to answer. Silence still. There are those of us who have the answer. Silence still. Because to answer is belonging to question. To question is to suggest an origin. An origin. A beginning. A beginning, an end. Having the answers to questions solves problems. Life may have many, and may no one find it. So that it may keep going. 

The end of the world can wait 

I’m here 

Nah b, hold up! 


It’s hard to not feel entitled to certain things, situations and people, due to the treatment, even objects. Anyone can say that they usually do something while their behavior has changed, whether it be with another person, situation and or thing.

 Once we, as people, get comfortable with stuff being the way that they are, we begin to question where we stand with those factors that may be apart of our daily activities or even if there are long term hiatus’, we always notice when there’s a small change, or even large one.

Some of us at least.

Its difficult to realize this and face it sometimes, especially when we don’t want things to change, because in reality, some people don’t like change; they’d just rather things that are apart of whatever it is that’s important to them get better in the form that it’s already in. 

That’s where entitlement comes in. Sometimes it’s okay to not feel good about it, yet in that moment, we have to realize that people, places, and or things shouldn’t have that much of a significant impact on our lives because not everything lasts forever. Because entitlement leads to expectations, and if you expect people to deliver for you more than you do for yourself, you’ll never be happy. Unfortunately, I’m starting to realize this more and more each day.

But…

We could try to stretch it out if we could right ?

Or at least that’s what we’d like to believe. 

You see, sometimes waiting isn’t our thing. Waiting for a package to come, a situation to arise or be solved, and people making you think or wait longer than you believe you “should”. 

Entitlement is the same thing as happiness, and if you put that in other people, they’ll disappoint you every single time. Due to many reasons.

  1. It could be how they are
  2. Excuses are made up to cover up the truth behind the reason because of the way that things are set up
  3. Importance on what the place, situation, and or person might be, because people can treat things, situations and other individuals like it’s a priority until something or someone else comes along. 
  4. And last but not least time, things happen during the days and nights that most people don’t want to share or simply forget about, which kind of piggybacks off of importance.. if people, places, things, and situations are important to a person, they take care of it right away, or at least they try to. 

So, when you start to feel entitled to something, and or someone, just remember, they might not view things or feel the same way that you might. When you start to see that, it’ll be better to keep in mind that only you, can make that happen if you allow those things and or people to have that much of a significant importance/ impact on your life. 

If there’s an archer and they’re practicing to successfully find a target to shoot, it’ll be conquered. But if they feel like they deserve to hit that target just because they’re an “archer” then they’ll have a lot of disappointment to face. 

Be humble and keep yourself happy. Don’t leave that in other people’s hands. 

Unless they earn that treatment. 

Firefly

There’s something subtly intimidating about this woman, fully aware of herself, how beautiful she is, as well as how much she knows and understands. It’s dark where I came from, but I don’t believe that’s the reason why she’s here. The absence of light in my world made it easier to find her, she was glowing like some stars certain souls seek to see on the playground. There are millions of creative critiques dedicated to detailing women that lovers have loved, will love, and will never love again, but it’s different when these words are yours, the time is hers, and the love is ours. 

More fascinated with this firefly than many other avenues that bid my attention , I can’t help but to notice how beautiful you are. Flashing light against a falling sky, you helped me capture a perfect picture in the wake of dying day and new night. 

Your face fills my heart with hope knowing that someone so beautiful belongs to this world. It’s in your dishevelment and distance from make up that has me fixated and incessantly infatuated. Under your skin is a tinge of luminescence, you light up and I cannot look away. If I am to be bound by mortality, I pray to every god imaginable and unknown that in the journey through eternity I am blessed with more encounters with your soul. 

Always and Forever, I love you(r glow)

Summer sunsets at 7:45pm


Burn in hell
An end to your human experience is inevitable, but how you go and where you go is still up for debate. Does pain and pleasure really get triggered by the same censors? I’m not trying to raise hell like some cenobite but why does each extreme feel so extraordinary on opposing ends of the spectrum? A cut, an orgasm, a death, a birth. 
Burn in hell
Are you afraid of what you cannot see and don’t know? I’ve been human for so long, almost all my life. I’ve been plagued with affinities and tendencies which another human will gladly justify my obsession and aid in my quest for the indulgence of these pleasures. Decadence. But lately the pendulum stopped swinging and is stuck. It’s stuck on pain and everything hurts. How can I explain this? Have you ever processed what it really means for something to be over? 
Burn in hell
The “wrath of god” is an amazing phrase. It takes the idea of this super being inflicting immense physical pain typically through the use of a medium. The idea of physical pain is enough to scare the simple. Pain is something we understand since we’re young. You do wrong, pow pow time, see? Simple. Now take that simple mind and tell them it’s infinite pow pow time (please explain what infinite means to the child so they can grasp what’s going on). You see how you mitigated the inherent evil just by extending the punishment indefinitely. B-R-I-L-L-I-A-N-T! 
Burn in hell
I came back from hell to tell you that there are no fires, no torture chambers, no bodies of blood, horrible screams or anything of the like. There’s just silence. The silence slips over your entire body and engulfs your soul in a sense of dread unlike anything you’ve felt on earth. You begin to feel yourself cry for no reason at all, but no one hears you, it’s dark and you can’t even hear yourself. You begin to panic. Where is everyone and everything that you’ve grown to love. The memories you made on earth are gone and you’re unsure of who you are. You feel your hands in front of you, your pupils dilate to catch any light to reassure that these are indeed your hands, but blackness is the only sight that registers. You feel desperation flip to fear and fear to agony all in what seems to be mere seconds. You begin to cry again. All you’re wishing for now is to hear the sound of your own voice but the heavy silence snuffs out any audible escape from within. You’re going to be here awhile. To burn is to actually feel, and wishes aren’t granted in hell. To burn for an eternity would be a pleasure in comparison. 

The bull and the Lilly of the valley

She grows so weary of herself. She begins to see the confusion within her heart and soul. You see, the two are opposites, when they shouldn’t be. Her heart shields itself by not allowing her to break through verbally but rather physically, so that transfers to her brain, making it hard to decipher the significance of her emotions. 

The dilemma in her life are the bars that remain firmly planted on her heart. There’s a secret to these bars and her emotions. Within these bars lie millions of electrical shocks, called fear; she fears and expects the worst from people, and yet her heart and mind continue to amplify with trust, while fear always had a funny way of showing up in her life’s endeavors, those electrical bars clench tight, hence making her heart and mind deviagate from trusting and loving with positivity. 

Her lungs become deadly, the bars suddenly stretch out to them, forming a human’s hand that’s squeezes a sponge without difficulty. Her breaths become shallow, and her neck tenses up becoming a brick within her body that is rattled by her heart’s desire to expand. 

Her legs become her worst enemy. They disrespect gravity and collapse as she forces her self to walk on in life. Yet, she still arises; and in that moment, her fingers become numb, and her stomach becomes stronger than the currents from all seven seas combined.


She gives herself a few silent moments to reflect on her body’s malfunction. Then she gets up! As if it never happened. She’s still weary, and a little more wiser than she was yesterday. 

She stares into the mirror, and wonders what may be a problem within her image. Until she realizes there’s none to point out. She smiles and realizes her body isn’t the dilemma, she then feels the bars loosen, just before she becomes aware that they’re clenching once again. As she tries to work on her heart, it grows weak with fear and loathing of the challenges that her emotions put her through. 

She walks with so much pride, and respect for herself, she knows she’s beautiful in her own way. She sees her worth, yet she’s troubled and scared. 

Her goal in life, is to be freer than birds when they fly, she holds herself tight yet wants to open herself up. 

She doesn’t know how. Because the bars clench harder every time she’s happy. They give her reasons to doubt, to not trust, to assume, and to contradict. 

Her tears become puddles of her own reflection, the only difference is, while she cries, she visualized how things could’ve have gone so much better, had it not been for the electrical bars. 

She works on herself daily, she wakes up in the morning with positive thoughts, yet there the bars are every morning waiting for her heart to beat a little faster than it normally would, because that’s what fear does to you. 

She’s used to letting go of things, people, and situations, because she’s never been the kind of individual to dwell on a lot. She fears crying because in her upbringing, she realized that others have held things in, and that maybe, somehow, it would be normal to execute that in her life, which brought in her build up. But when her heart finds just a little more room to dilate just a tad bit more, she gives her best shots at fighting her own electrical bars, because she is aware that these certain things, people, and situations can be apart of a greater meaning of life, and she holds them so close and dearly, while pushing the the limited bars out more to love them so hard. 

Yet, the bars await. 

Waiting for my idols to die

As Saturday falls into Sunday I don’t want to be celebrated

I want to be appreciated 

I’m so anxious, 

Millions of cells with a thought for each one 

Who am I going to ruin my life over today

And in what way

And then I stop myself

These were my younger years

I don’t expect you to understand me

But I respect that you try

I’ve made a habit of labeling the unimportant as urgent until a revaluation, no! A revelation of relevance relabeled me, 

And look I am reborn!

But the cup is now half empty, but I am not sad because there is still a thirst to be quenched and a cup for me.

Then there’s her…
Why are you afraid to be who you really are in front of others 

Make sure they love all of you, even your shadow

She does…

And I love her back.

I remember all of the things I went without just to be with

Even the stars burn out after so long 

Love cycles/Hate cycles

You can live forever if you never existed, god

At the end of every week, every month, every year…

A new one! 

Since birth I have been propelled forward from the past, I have been happy, been bitter, been blessed, been loved, been lost, but never better than I am right now to close my eyes and drift from this gift 

Wherever you’re going
Have fun and take care

Ferris Wheel

Baby lets skip town…

Baby lets skip town and see things we never saw before

And do things we’ll never do again

A place where no one at all keeps score 

And knowing a friend of a friend is how we’ll get in
Baby we’re going…

Baby we’re going and I’m full of fright

We might get lost and never make it 

Quiet down, the wolves hunt at night,  

And a promise is a promise, don’t you ever break it
Baby we’re here…

Baby we’re here and I have no clue what to say

Other than things are still a mess 

Oh we came all this way

When in all honesty, 

we really should have never left