A gift to myself

It hurts worse the longer it’s been
Sorrow is quicksand
I feel that I’m sinking but I just don’t care to save myself 
The same thing that made me feel so alive is now killing me slow
depression, loneliness 
Suffocation

With Love Until Eternity XO

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Dead Goldfish

What I’m watching/watched: Photography basics, Suits season 1, The Lobster, Vice abduction BDSM, etc.
What makes a show “good?”

                                        I.

Theres this feeling of freedom that comes with “going out” at the end of the week. It’s relief and another realm of life, apart from the one we adhere to Monday through mid Friday. I love the glowing lights in dark cars on long stretches of roads and music drowning out all before and everything after. All that matters is now. You can feel, taste, touch, and live the memory. The beeping, the buzzing, the temperature, the air, everything. 50 years from now you may or may not remember this exact Saturday but you were there. 
There’s something about strangers that keeps my soul burning. It’s the ability to exchange what living life at angles other than your own I find so intriguing. For this brief moment they invite you into their world to have a look, and that’s what I’m addicted to. The polar opposite of that is something I am also in love with, the familiarity of more than a friend. The dependability and emotional investment they are open to and allow. But…
                                      II.
i forgot what being a man was about 
So i figured i’d let society and women remind me 
Why cant we love another person just for being another person
The things i do in the dark not with her, 

The things she did in the dark not with me,

And what we do when no one is looking.
                                    III.

I have a self-diagnosed case of the day dad stopped looking like a super hero dilemma again
It’s full blown
I’m at this awkward unsolved stage in life
Am I leaving too early or staying too long 
Because all you want is a hug when you’re too high

I’m starting to see the importance of social bonds and how hard it can be to do everything yourself. Or be surrounded by people who dont understand. It’s misery that loves company but people just love company in general. Are we innately miserable?

I want to be free more than i want to be a god. 

Neon Surprises 

What I expanded on today: different kinds of cryptocurrencies, ICOs, decentralization, art auctions, burn your bra, conversations you weren’t invited to, adult onesies, cognitive dissonance, indie movies, International (Seoul) Fashion, I’m an okay writer, John Malone candles, everything always has room for improvement, FOMO(fear of missing out) anxiety 
There’s something soothing about Sundays

At the moment I don’t get to enjoy them the way I want 

I feel like my world is on fire

I want to see 

Christmas in another country

I want to not worry

I want to love

But if i cant buy happiness I’d like to at least afford a place far enough away to escape the negativity

Hiding in my mind at the moment

I want to be better than the purpose we were born for 

And stray away from path that was most likely going to happen

I’m busy but I’ll be alright. 

F You

Sometimes I feel I’m living life sedated, lazy, and lost. I’m not sure what I even like anymore. Not much excites me other than what I’m capable of becoming later in life if I keep working now. Love won’t wait. But maybe it wasn’t love at all. I can feel myself becoming better and burning out all at the same time. I hope this doesn’t make me bitter during my human experience. Making mistakes is apart of being human but what is unforgivable? Unforgivable is forfeiting a life to a lost cause. Life is too precious to be spent on someone who focuses on negativity. And that’s why it’s so hard to let go. Because watching someone you used to love from their feet to the stars above turn into a former shell of themselves hurts. Gone is what could have been. But I rather not live with regrets. 

Ferris Wheel

Baby lets skip town…

Baby lets skip town and see things we never saw before

And do things we’ll never do again

A place where no one at all keeps score 

And knowing a friend of a friend is how we’ll get in
Baby we’re going…

Baby we’re going and I’m full of fright

We might get lost and never make it 

Quiet down, the wolves hunt at night,  

And a promise is a promise, don’t you ever break it
Baby we’re here…

Baby we’re here and I have no clue what to say

Other than things are still a mess 

Oh we came all this way

When in all honesty, 

we really should have never left

Real Men Hit Women

(In retrospect, this was my first “clickbait” headline and I didn’t even realize it, semi-rant)

(Written: feb 3,2015)

(Today: march 24,2017)

If you were not born a man, DO NOT have a concrete definition on what being a man is, it’s that simple. You’re not a “real man” falls under many poverty bitch inspired mantras like “I’m a grown ass woman.” If you have to inject profanity and bad grammar into descriptions about yourself, it automatically disqualifies you as a mature adult. Too many females feel they can get away with murder. In what lifetime can you agitate, become an aggressor, strike another human being and expect the patience and loving kindness of Jesus to be bestowed upon you. In a perfect world, no one should put their hands on anyone. Are you that mentally incompetent? You can either express yourself in a disagreement calmly or just calmly diffuse a frivolous argument and walk away. No argument between adults ever should have to result in a psychical altercation, however; man, woman, tranny or animal, if you decide to strike me, be prepared for me to swing for the sky. Too many times do I hear the cry for equality, yet you equally cannot control your emotions to the point you feel it’s okay to hit someone. Don’t cry equality because you want to sleep with everyone and be labeled a stronger woman for being a whore. There needs to be a “human standard” not a biological gender role standard that has been antiquated for quite some time now. Common decency and common sense. Common sense says I should not walk down an alley in the bad area of town in nothing on but a thong and bra because …. Welp there’s a higher chance bad shit might happen, yet feminism would like to advocate for these ditzy bitches like even though she precipitated every dumb thing you can do in that situation “she wasn’t asking for it.” Are you fucking kidding me? I don’t know everyone’s parents but growing up everyone should have been taught if you hang out with certain people, wear certain clothes, people might label you as apart of a certain group whether you are or are not. People judge other people every day. We don’t live in a perfect world. This is not a man vs woman issue. It is an issue dealing with doing what makes sense in certain situations. I believe in Darwinism and believe ethics are what allowed idiots to continue breeding for so long. Society can move towards a path of a possible utopian society IF we would realize we are only as strong as our weakest link in society. That leaves us either with genuinely helping the people who struggle to do better overall as a human being or cutting them off all together. Give a man a job and show him how to earn a dollar rather than giving him a dollar and letting him squander it away. I would hope to see a day were people really do care about social issues collectively but honestly just don’t see it happening at the rate this species operates.

I did not ask ….

NOVEMBER 20, 2014 

(Today: 2/26/2017)
There are numerous things that make me angry.

(1.People who block primary means of entering/exiting a facility with blatant disregard for anyone else)(2.People who ask (stupid)questions they either know the answer to or could have been solved with light research using minimal effort)(3.Incessant complainers) The list really does go on but over the years these “triggers” have declined. I’ve, through maturing, have been able to identify the characteristics of situations that trigger said rage in order to avoid them or deal with them properly. However, the “unwarranted advice/comments/suggestions” situation appears to occur rather frequently as of late, almost a little too frequently. If I personally do not ask you a question why are you answering me? If I do not initiate an inquiry why do you feel it is okay to bestow your perspective upon me? If I do not petition your participation, please do not feel free to chip in. I am not an advocate of anti-social behavior but I fully support speak when spoken to. Everyone has something to say about everything ALL OF THE TIME. This situation is made all the worse when people bravely and openly recite a anecdotal novel of incorrect information on a topic they know nothing about. This is 2014, there is google, libraries are free, the knowledge is out there if you care to look. If you don’t care to look, please don’t say anything, that would be your personal contribution to society and making it a better place. It halts the continuation of misinformation. Whenever you get the urge to share information please be observant of the questions you should ask yourself before 1. Would anyone care about what I’m about to say 2. Did anyone ask me to share this information? …. If the answer to both of these questions were no… SHUT THE FUCK UP

Hedonistic Hymns of the Hood

As much love as I have for you unconditionally, why do you remind me everyday how much I should hate you, 

You owe me, dont try to do better than me, don’t do better than me, I’m not going to be happy for you, I promise, don’t leave me here, lonely, you promise? 
More fraudulent than their pre-distressed denim, to them it’s a religion, tru, but I’m losing mine everytime I look at you.
You never took those drugs,
 or went to those parties, 
you have no stories, 
your existence irrelevant in my universe.

Insecurity all around, you can’t find the importance in your existence but you can find it behind the brands on the nearest broad street,  new clothes for new haters, so many of them, who lost? 

Then we take pictures and smile in them. Are you really as happy as you look in the photo? 

Jesus stood next to Judas, moments immortalized right before your eyes, but make sure you know who you’re standing next to before they start shooting, pictures. 

So what are you into? “Making myself seem interesting on the internet”, in my own matrix I shush and outcast those who scream for Zion, because first, I need to take a selfie, and just my luck, the make up covers up my low sense of self-worth, connected to a cellphone the entire day, I didn’t think it was possible to be 2 places at once until now, we’re here, but your mind is there, creating this alternative reality right before more eyes, are you even real? 

Blew my chips on this bitch I went half on a kid with at an early age. What’s the difference between a few months and forever? Half of everything you have, peace of mind and precious time? Deals with the devil because of how I’m raised. I don’t control my feelings, they control me, so I have no accountability for anything I do. I see the ship sinking, I feel the water, but I rather throw a party than save myself. Raise, Rinse, Repeat. We won’t escape the same hell that gave us the motivation to leave, because even the devil has wings and demons inherently, so I wonder even though we’re stuck down here, were we at one point amongst the clouds in heaven? Maybe so long ago no one remembers? Live for the moment I guess. 

The Ghosts of New York City

I remember the first time I finally managed to fall in love, it was with myself, then this idea, then you. Twisted love stories told by wilted magnolias down by the bodega on the corner. Your house on the hill is your top floor apartment, no one can see you cry up there, and if your tears should ever fall from the top floor and escape your window, please convince the pedestrians below that it is just another rainy day, and that too shall pass. 

You hold the key to my heart but the only thing on your mind it seems when you let yourself in was robbery, and after everything was in shambles I didn’t ask for the key back. 

And these are the ways things have always been and the horizon of the way things will always be.

We were a puzzle, putting everything together and couldn’t see we didn’t have all the pieces as we got towards the end … I’m still glad we started everything… because I go back and look at what almost was…

but it’s too late now.

You promised me you wouldn’t fall in love with anyone else, but I can’t help feeling this feeling you lied, it’s your eyes my medusa, and the melodic hypnotic sound when you speak with them, like the wipers on your windshield fighting the rain, one kiss and I’m rock stiff … 

Heaven. 

[Mirrors]

No time for clothes in the house,

 or anymore monday mornings in my life, 

Always alive at so dead an hour

Crypt walking

I’ve got the blues,

My eyes swell, the tears turn to blood, 

Again I realize I’m just a jester looking for a king’s love

These are my primary problems 

In a world where you’re only as good as your last, you’re not the better answer, but the best answer to a question that I wasn’t sure of how to answer

Late PMs, Early AMs,

Conversations in cars,

Sex and Smoke, 

and eyes as bright as the city lights at night

In this car we hold the keys to go everywhere we wish without the need to start an ignition, these conversations take me farther than this car could ever go, eyes closed, mouth open, mind open, hearts continue to race, don’t slow down, from wheels to wings, exhale the smoke and take off, us right here, beyond the reach of all, minds together elsewhere, our time together infinite, this love together infinite
 
This love won’t hold me over, 

And this love,

This love, our love,

is likened to leftover pizza,

Because you can find anything you want but don’t need in your life 

just like the leftover pizza 
in the fridge at 2am

Cheers to our time together on this planet, the most meaningful and meaningless entity I have ever had the grace to witness