Summer sunsets at 7:45pm


Burn in hell
An end to your human experience is inevitable, but how you go and where you go is still up for debate. Does pain and pleasure really get triggered by the same censors? I’m not trying to raise hell like some cenobite but why does each extreme feel so extraordinary on opposing ends of the spectrum? A cut, an orgasm, a death, a birth. 
Burn in hell
Are you afraid of what you cannot see and don’t know? I’ve been human for so long, almost all my life. I’ve been plagued with affinities and tendencies which another human will gladly justify my obsession and aid in my quest for the indulgence of these pleasures. Decadence. But lately the pendulum stopped swinging and is stuck. It’s stuck on pain and everything hurts. How can I explain this? Have you ever processed what it really means for something to be over? 
Burn in hell
The “wrath of god” is an amazing phrase. It takes the idea of this super being inflicting immense physical pain typically through the use of a medium. The idea of physical pain is enough to scare the simple. Pain is something we understand since we’re young. You do wrong, pow pow time, see? Simple. Now take that simple mind and tell them it’s infinite pow pow time (please explain what infinite means to the child so they can grasp what’s going on). You see how you mitigated the inherent evil just by extending the punishment indefinitely. B-R-I-L-L-I-A-N-T! 
Burn in hell
I came back from hell to tell you that there are no fires, no torture chambers, no bodies of blood, horrible screams or anything of the like. There’s just silence. The silence slips over your entire body and engulfs your soul in a sense of dread unlike anything you’ve felt on earth. You begin to feel yourself cry for no reason at all, but no one hears you, it’s dark and you can’t even hear yourself. You begin to panic. Where is everyone and everything that you’ve grown to love. The memories you made on earth are gone and you’re unsure of who you are. You feel your hands in front of you, your pupils dilate to catch any light to reassure that these are indeed your hands, but blackness is the only sight that registers. You feel desperation flip to fear and fear to agony all in what seems to be mere seconds. You begin to cry again. All you’re wishing for now is to hear the sound of your own voice but the heavy silence snuffs out any audible escape from within. You’re going to be here awhile. To burn is to actually feel, and wishes aren’t granted in hell. To burn for an eternity would be a pleasure in comparison. 

Philosophy on Failure


January 7th 2015

Today: march 4th 2017

“Lost time is never found (again)” – Benjamin Franklin. Wasted time is never salvaged. When you lose, you can either have one of two resulting outlooks. You either let the loser mentality soak in and you become the personification of the word “loser” or you learn from your loss. It’s amazing that we as flawed human beings believe we will never falter in our journey in life, so as a result we take certain steps to avoid rejection, losing, falling down and fucking up. We never ask that attractive person out, never pursue the dream career, never take that vacation we feel we deserve because we believe inevitably something will go wrong and we will have to deal with “I told you so” from other people. These “other people” are cancer. They throw nets of negativity hoping to drag anyone down within reach. The scary part is they can be anyone at anytime, even family. The devil isn’t going to knock on your door with bad breath, horns and red skin, because you wouldn’t even open the door would you? He is going to be in the best outfit with the biggest smile. It’s easier to kill someone who trusts you with their life, than someone who has their guard up. Your dreams, your goals, your aspirations are your life. Your life is going to have bumps, you’re going to break down, but it’s how you deal with it is ultimately going to determine how far you’re going to go to get to your destination in life. Personally I try to learn something new everyday. Life has shown me that it is an accumulation of everything over time rather than just waking up and having the world change for you on a whim. That is the case with anything great, it takes time, perseverance and endurance and failed attempts on the way.

Dear Relationship,

To whom it may concern,
I ask for a lot of things, but being a detective is not one of them. I am used to the tricks and how quick you can flip the script to “why were you even looking when you said you trust me?” See that’s where you’re wrong, I trust that I can’t trust you, so that’s why I trust myself to never let my guard down against someone like you. Imagine me falling backwards with you behind me as the only intervention between I and the concrete. A person would have to be truly mad to put their own best personal interest and prevention of injury in the hands of another person. See, we don’t have to do this, I’m fine by myself, I’ll sacrifice the future family photos and meaningful memories that will mean so much more when you’re gone because we can’t make anymore because you’re not dead, but gone, which is virtually the same thing, and I can’t stop thinking about you, and the “what ifs” and what everything could have became, and these tears keep staining my fucking page as I write this letter that I’ll never give to you, and then I realize I hate you because I need an emotion strong enough to counter balance all of the love that I had for you…

…and it’s like everytime I wake up the world is on fire again,

And as I sleep the waves from a sea of darkness wash out every ember.

October 29th 2015

What are the odds
What are the odds that I ended up here, out of all of the places I could have been 
What about falling in love with the feeling of falling in love 
The “what ifs” of every situation kept me so sedated from actually living in the moment I began to get sidetracked from who I was. I wasn’t making memories if I wasn’t making mistakes. Being on the fence about something is worse than being on either side of an issue or situation. Incidentally, at the very minimum if you chose the incorrect path, you can see your fault, and reroute. You have the opportunity to analyze the mindset before hand that led you to this path and from there make the nessecary adjustments, but if you chose to wither away standing in the same spot you started, because of anxiety, angst or fear, thinking you will never lose anything if you never try, you will lose time. Time, or the theory of, is one of the greatest assets bestowed to us. Time is a blank canvas, you can draw your life. We may have different canvases but I can choose what I want my final product to look like when I finally check out of life and say I’m done. Color my life, because we’ll never be these kids again.